This post is by Michael Pollock, the original owner of Small Business Branding. Yaro Starak now owns and produces the latest content for this blog.
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You may remember in a previous column I raved about my allure to Starbucks. I was bold enough (or odd enough?) to suggest that if Starbucks were a person, we might say (s)he possessed charisma – that illusive quality we assign to those who attract and influence others – seemingly – without a single drop of sweat descending their brow.
I went on to suggest that if you’re in a business where you are the product, adding a dash of charisma to your personality might be the crucial ingredient that propels you to greater success.
Now, after a month of researching the topic, consulting with experts, and – in near voyeuristic fashion – simply observing charismatic people, I’m prepared to dispense the fine points of charisma. If I do my job effectively, you should walk away with several tips about how to be more attractive and influential (i.e. charismatic) in your own corner of the universe.
My first thought before researching the topic was "what have I gotten myself into here." Being more charismatic seems like it could be a bit of work. Especially for me. An introvert since birth, my preconception was that charismatic people are highly extroverted and perhaps downright flamboyant. If I wanted to be more charismatic, would that mean I’d have to be someone I’m not? An impostor? A stranger in my own body? Egad! Would I have to start being INAUTHENTIC?! (I rarely use the word "egad." Really.)
However, through the course of my research, I was relieved to find out that I could be more charismatic without having to undergo a full-scale personality transplant (not that I couldn’t use one). Nor would I have to hide my true character behind some flamboyant and inauthentic human facade. In fact, what I noticed during my observations was a person’s authenticity is the very thing that most contributed to their charisma.
Whether they were introverted or extroverted, flamboyant or reserved, overbearing or understated, the fact that they were confidently and completely at home in their own personality was – to me – what gave them their edge of attraction. Don’t get me wrong. Authenticity, by itself, doesn’t make you charismatic. Especially if you’re an authentic jerk.
The dictionary definition of charisma is "personal magnetism or charm." Alone, that definition suggests charisma is merely a personality trait. Not unlike a physical trait, such as being seven feet tall. In this case, you either have it or you don’t. However, when you look at charisma as a behavioral trait, i.e. what one DOES that makes them charismatic, you get a different perspective.
According to Ed Brown, founder of The Core Edge Image & Charisma Institute (www.core-edge.com), charisma is available to anyone who chooses to have it and express it. Charisma, according to Ed, "is culturally defined by the mores of the dominant culture. It is largely subjective and differs from individual to individual. If we determine that Brad Pitt, Denzel Washington, Jennifer Lopez and Julia Roberts possess charismatic traits, we would also agree that they demonstrate these characteristics differently." In other words, we each have our own brand of charisma.
Further, Ed states, ". . . each individual possessing charisma has learned that a facet of their personality resonates with people and so they capitalize on that facet. One can make the case that the facet of the personality represents an in-born trait, but that would go back to the age old question as to whether we are predominately influenced by our gene pool or our environment. When it comes to charisma, I would say it is largely environmental."
Said another way, charisma is mainly a learned behavior. Like most people, you’ve probably had times in your life when you felt like you were just "on." You were charming. People loved you. You were the center of attention. According to Ed, if you have the self awareness to capture the aspects of your personality being expressed in those moments, you hold the key to tapping into and expressing your own brand of charisma.
What if you’ve never caught yourself being charming or charismatic? After all, with all the hustle-bustle of modern living, it’s sometimes a challenge to remember your own name, let alone be able to observe yourself and how other people respond to you.
Ann Demarais, Ph.D. and Valerie White, Ph.D. suggest it’s valuable to focus on how you make others feel in social situations. Being "socially generous," in their opinion, is a primary factor in whether or not you make a favorable impression on other people. In their latest book, First Impressions, What You Don’t Kow About How Others See You, they articulate four "social gifts" that tend to be universal. If you doubt your ability to BE charismatic, a focus on offering these four gifts is probably the best place for you to begin.
Social Gift #1: Appreciation: People love to be appreciated and affirmed for who they are and what they do. "For example," say the authors, "if you tell someone directly or indirectly that she is funny, smart or attractive, she will feel proud about that quality in herself and good about herself in general." And I would add, if you can make someone feel good about themselves, there’s a good chance they’ll feel good about you.
Social Gift #2: Connection: This gift, say Ann and Valerie, "is about finding where you intersect with someone. It can be a mutual friend, common interests, or similar experiences." They go on to write, "people like it because it makes them feel understood and provides them with a sense of belonging." In my observations, I did notice people I considered charismatic, but, who made no connection with me at all. If they had, however, I suspect that connection would have greatly reinforced my desire to want to know them more. And from a marketing perspective, that’s really what you want people to do. Get to know you better and how you can best serve them.
Social Gift #3: Elevation: Most people want to feel good, not just about themselves, but about the world in general. We all love of good belly laugh, an uncontrollable smile, or just a light and enjoyable atmosphere. And because of that, we are drawn to people who uplift us in those ways. "You don’t have to be a comedian," say Ann and Valerie. "You can elevate other’s mood in many ways, such as smiling, being in the moment, acting playful or entertaining, and directing your attention to the positive and humorous elements in the situation."
Social Gift # 4: Enlightenment: No, Grasshoppa, this is not the Zen Master version of enlightenment. To enlighten someone, in this case, simply means that most people enjoy learning something new. And being adept at this skill, according to the authors, "makes you stimulating and appealing to be around . . . it can be about the curious thing you noticed on the way to work, the movie you just saw, or an article you read in a magazine." The key here is the topic has to be interesting, not just to you, but to the person with whom you’re communicating.
Be careful to offer these gifts in a balanced way. In fact, say the authors, "a healthy balance of the four social gifts is charismatic." For example, David, a Wall Street analyst described by Ann and Valerie, was great at the enlightenment part. "Yet he didn’t show any appreciation for Susan and didn’t find a way to connect with her or amuse her." Because of David’s imbalanced mode of communicating, "Susan focused on all the things she felt deprived of. The imbalance . . . made David much less appealing than he would have been if he gave a balance of social gifts."
In the final analysis, it seems that being charismatic is far from being anyone other than yourself. It is, however, about being able to perform on the stage of life. (I’ve always felt I missed my calling by not becoming an actor. Really. I coulda been a contenda.) Shakespeare wrote "all the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players." He also wrote "to thine own self be true."
Being authentically charismatic is about being in touch with the character that you are. It’s about playing that role with the passion and conviction of a Denzel Washinton, a Julia Roberts or a Robert Deniro. And it’s about being aware of how you can elevate, enlighten, appreciate and connect with the people around you. For, without an audience to serve, the actor is useless.